Analog is indeed warmer

There were a lot of times when I was younger where I wanted to end it all (my earliest memory was when I was 8) but since I turned 19 and I started to work through my depression I haven’t had many thoughts of ending it. There was the odd thought here and there over the years but since Nick came into my life those thoughts and issues have disappeared. There was only one instance that I seriously thought about it over the last 3 1/2 yrs… and it involves my dad. When my dad died Dec. 26, 2009 it was really hard for me. He was not only my dad but he was my best friend and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Now that alone could have sent me in a downward spiral but the thing was it wasn’t just that terrible moment that made me want to end it; it was finding out my mom might have a rain tumor. I told myself that if she got sick I would lose it. I just lost my dad and I wasn’t strong enough to lose both of them. When my mom was being tested to make sure it wasn’t cancer I wrote about 20 different suicide notes. I thought of all the different ways I could do this without a mess to clean up and in a way that would make it easiest on the ones I love. In the end my mom’s tumor wasn’t cancerous and I talked to someone briefly about this. Now that I look back on it I realize I was under a lot of stress and it was a moment of weakness I wish I didn’t have. I know that having depression is an uphill battle and I am happy in knowing I feel like I am starting to climb steadily to the top of that mountain. I know that I could have a set back at any time but now I have faith that Nick will be there and will be strong enough to help. My love for him and his love for me is what ultimately saved me.